The Forgotten Roots of Overwhelm
How often do you go back and analyze the things that happened in your childhood? While psychoanalysis has advanced quite a bit, there is still some value at looking back at the source of why we may do some of the things we do and the reasons we may be triggered in the ways we are.
When I was seven years old, I lived with my family on a large horse farm nestled in the northern side of Fayette County (Lexington, KY). It was spacious and wonderful, and it was secluded away from just about everything. As is typical for farm life, we were an early-to-rise family…well, all of us except my brother, and we needed to get up extra early in order to drive the 30+ minutes that it took every morning to get to school.
I was in first grade, Ms. Bale’s class. I enjoyed getting to school as early as they allowed us to, and I would spend that early morning time sitting in the hallway occupying myself and waiting for everyone to arrive. When Ms. Bale arrived and opened up her classroom, the first thing you would do, after putting your things away in your cubby, was to check on Paddington.
Ms. Bale had a huge dollhouse in her classroom where Paddington lived. And each day, Paddington could be found doing some new activity. Some days, he was playing the piano and other days, he was eating at the table or working in his garden. It was such a delightful surprise to see what new thing he was up to. And then we would get settled in to start the school day.
But one day, our morning routine went off the rails. I can’t remember the specifics of what changed, but my mother needed to do something that morning that probably took longer then she intended, and we were late to school. As we pulled up to the front door, there were no other people or cars around. School was already in session and suddenly, I decided I’m not going to school today. I am not going to walk in that classroom and have everyone stare at me like I’ve done something terribly wrong when this was NOT MY FAULT.
I’m sure at this point my brother was already in his first-period 7th grade classroom, but I was squeezed as far into the floor of the car as my little body would fit. I was not moving. Exasperated, my mother resigned to the fact that I was right. It wasn’t my fault. We were late because of something she did. I did all the things I was supposed to do, and I was not going to suffer the consequences of someone else’s mistake. So we went home.
There are two things I could take away whenever I think about this story. One is that I know deep inside me, I have the ability to stand up for myself and take a stand when I see something is not right. But the other much more likely thing that happened here was overwhelming fear. I was not prepared to handle a new process of walking into that school and not having my peaceful waiting time, not being able to take my time putting my things away and getting ready for lessons, and not being able to go see Paddington’s daily activities. And I was terrified of what others would think and being blamed for something I didn’t do. In reality, I wasn’t standing up for myself, I was having a seven-year-old panic attack.
Anxiety has quietly plagued me my entire life. It took years to recognize this as the cause for much of my procrastination and what I thought was laziness. The truth is that I struggle with not feeling prepared or that I have enough information to handle some tasks and situations. But now that I know the root of the issue, I have the tools to combat it. Over the last year, I have made drastic changes in my life to become healthier, reduce overwhelm, and be more productive. And I’m on a new mission to help other people find the sources and solutions to reduce overwhelm in their lives as well.
If you deal with anxiety, brain fog, fixed mindset, information overload, or just a huge sense of overwhelm, I encourage you to follow along as I will explore these topics and much more over the coming months. Let me know in the comments how overwhelm affects you and your work.
